Well...it seems I have a SL companion now. *silence*
I don't know how or why it happened...I know nothing really about this guy. I'm proabably some stupid little game to him..he hangs out with his RL wife on there. I don't know how to feel about all that, but I like my little group of friends I'm hanging out with...they are all partnered up. So why shouldn't we be? He's a nice guy from what I know so far. And he's ok w/ the no relations thing for now.
What's there to lose?
I did have to send a notecard to the other guy I was dating though. I felt very bad...he was such a nice guy. But like most guys I start to get really flirty with, it looked like it was heading to a place I couldn't take it to. He was getting too atattched..I don't know if I have it in me anymore. After Ancient- I've sort of shut that connection part of me down..for my own safety's sake.
I am going to a SL wedding on Friday..that should be fun ^^ Poor Lou is having a shotgun wedding because her SL mate is leaving for RL for two months! That's like two years in SL time. I don't know if I could do it haha..I'd get too lonely/bored.
I'm not sure what's going on right now w/ all of this...Eva is w/ Seth- they seem to be happy. He even has land w/ a castle for the two of them! Kind of jealous about that haha..but it's all good. I just want that weird drama feeling to go away..I want to defriend that other guy so I don't feel his "presence" anymore. Maybe I will in a few days.
My RL husband finally got a good computer..so he will be on more often. I keep telling him..make a SL!! Do what u want- within the rules of "us". Oh these are the rules:
1. always remember what is SL and what is RL
2. RL always comes first
3. what happens in SL stays there
4. no sex..unless it's just for entertainment purposes (no connection)
5. no pictures/no outside contact
6. never give your heart completely away completely..it's already taken in RL
Other than that...it's all a go. Mainly- just be aware that SL is a game ultimately..a place to get your kicks in a safe way. And if your RL partner has any problems w/ what you are doing...respect it.
*argh* I feel like I do when I get in a new relationship..all akward lol...I can't wait till I know him better and it goes away ahha.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
New Beginnings
Well...following the idea bug Ancient put into my head. I created an alternate character- and in doing so, created an entirely different personality. It's one that I've had locked DEEP down inside of me..for a very long time.
Fun, witty, humorous..cutsey, flirty and a bit outgoing- moreso than I am ever used to.
She's my party girl- I have never had so many friends before. I find it VERY difficult to keep up with the ims. I now understand what Ancient was saying..about being busy. It's a wonder how he even hung out with me at all. I feel bad now- for thinking the things I did. If we were to have met now..knowing what I know..things could've been different I think. I wish I could tell him now..that I understand and that I'm sorry.
Anyway- I've made friends with a man/woman...can't quite figure he/she out. But this individual is very interesting to say the least. Keeps my attentions anyway..Shells is like a crazyassed labyrinth. Confusing as hell but strangely addiciting lol. I met perverts who led me to other ppl..who led me to other ppl.. now- have TWO girl "friends" who are so awesome in every way.
But in my quest for friend fishing..I screwed up royally. I friended a guy- flirted endlessly with him. And now he likes me A LOT. I find that I am going in a different direction. I LOVE MY NEW FRIENDS! I have so much fun with them. I don't want to spend all my time talking mooshy talk to a guy- I want to have fun! Plus, there is this new guy..that I think can give me what I am searching for. Fun, excitement..and a strict rule of no RL. It is heaven haha.
The first guy is the nicest person in the world...I feel very bad for making him feel more for me than I do. It's like looking at myself in the mirror. He is me..when I was with Ancient. But this guy's is starting to get a tad bit creepy...he's getting all crazy trying to find me. I know I will have to tell him very soon. I just didn't know what I wanted until now.
My new interest- is someone I hope I can learn more about. I think he likes me too...He just broke it off with his partner to persue seeing me! He sticks up for me..takes me new places and LIKES to do them..and hasn't asked to mess around ONCE. Just flirting..which is totally up my alley :)
It's just a really great time in my SL..this new person I have become is so liberating.
Ema is my innocent, beautiful, sullen angel...this one is my happy-go-lucky party girl. Personality wise..I am both..but she has been hidden for so long...and she is a WHOLE lotta fun to be. People like her^^ it's everything I've been looking for.
Fun, witty, humorous..cutsey, flirty and a bit outgoing- moreso than I am ever used to.
She's my party girl- I have never had so many friends before. I find it VERY difficult to keep up with the ims. I now understand what Ancient was saying..about being busy. It's a wonder how he even hung out with me at all. I feel bad now- for thinking the things I did. If we were to have met now..knowing what I know..things could've been different I think. I wish I could tell him now..that I understand and that I'm sorry.
Anyway- I've made friends with a man/woman...can't quite figure he/she out. But this individual is very interesting to say the least. Keeps my attentions anyway..Shells is like a crazyassed labyrinth. Confusing as hell but strangely addiciting lol. I met perverts who led me to other ppl..who led me to other ppl.. now- have TWO girl "friends" who are so awesome in every way.
But in my quest for friend fishing..I screwed up royally. I friended a guy- flirted endlessly with him. And now he likes me A LOT. I find that I am going in a different direction. I LOVE MY NEW FRIENDS! I have so much fun with them. I don't want to spend all my time talking mooshy talk to a guy- I want to have fun! Plus, there is this new guy..that I think can give me what I am searching for. Fun, excitement..and a strict rule of no RL. It is heaven haha.
The first guy is the nicest person in the world...I feel very bad for making him feel more for me than I do. It's like looking at myself in the mirror. He is me..when I was with Ancient. But this guy's is starting to get a tad bit creepy...he's getting all crazy trying to find me. I know I will have to tell him very soon. I just didn't know what I wanted until now.
My new interest- is someone I hope I can learn more about. I think he likes me too...He just broke it off with his partner to persue seeing me! He sticks up for me..takes me new places and LIKES to do them..and hasn't asked to mess around ONCE. Just flirting..which is totally up my alley :)
It's just a really great time in my SL..this new person I have become is so liberating.
Ema is my innocent, beautiful, sullen angel...this one is my happy-go-lucky party girl. Personality wise..I am both..but she has been hidden for so long...and she is a WHOLE lotta fun to be. People like her^^ it's everything I've been looking for.
Monday, May 18, 2009
The angry side of it all
You know what...I'm going to tell you the angry side of my SL experience. I am mad because I was just an innocent explorer..having fun goofing off around my little safe haven. Then one day- some guy comes up to me and blows it all apart.
Suddenly- I don't just go on SL to explore and have fun. I have to start liking this guy. And why? Because he dances with me, talks to me, gives me things..because he says he LIKES me. I did that with my first partner..and look where that got me!
I am angry because I did this once..and I promised I wouldn't do it again....but I did! I got so completely obsessed with him and the game. I started acting like a jealous little girl. Saying stupid crap I would never say. I felt embarrassed most of the time..the things he wanted me to do..and I felt obligated to to them because of all the "gifts" he gave me.
It was a complete tug-o-war. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world...and I felt like the most gullible idiot on the planet. One part says it was real- one part says it was all a mind game.
I mean the cons to this guy- if I were doing this in RL- were enough to make me say..uhhh..no.
But it was SL..I didn't give a crap about RL details..I was having fun. But then, he had to get to me. And I started getting all weird. And then I had to tell him the truth to my RL..and then it started to not be a game anymore. I didn't want him to know my RL details. Who I am..my RL..is what I was trying to escape. I wanted him to know my SL me...w/o all the RL bullshit that gets in the way.
It sucks. It just sucks- why couldn't he just have given me what I wanted? For me to be his and vice versa..we would rule Mythical together and have a blast doing whatever we wanted to do in SL.
NOOO..he had reel me in with his suave ways...and always hang over my head that he has some stupid Russian girlfriend who liked to keep putting ugly demon animals all over my beautiful Mythical.
Funny thing is..I think her and I were a lot alike. In totally different ways....she was the dark and I was the light. She liked the sharp swift dark side to things..I liked the soft, innocent gracefullness to things. I may be completely wrong, I didn't know her..but from what I saw of her style..I think I am not far from the truth. But just like my other guy I hung out with..she could talk computer with him. I couldn't. So I was on the back burner.
This is probably why he liked me at first...I think the innocent side of me intrigued him. But men's attentions can only be held for so long. You know when a guy likes you when he seeks you out. By the end, I would sign on..and he wouldn't even say hello unless I said it first. If he was really interested- he wouldn't do that. A man would be waiting for me.
That's what I want..and I don't think I'll find it on SL. Men are there to play. I guess I was there to play too...I didn't expect to actually want to keep the attentions of guys on there. But it happened- and I broke away before it would go any further.
I put myself in her shoes. I didn't like what I was doing to her..or helping him do. I shouldn't have been tempting him. But then again, he shouldn't have been hanging around with me either. It was such a sticky mess..we both liked eachother- or at least I liked him. How do you stay away from that? I broke it off with that other guy. I didn't want to hurt him..and I wanted to persue what I had found. For curiousity's sake- and because I couldn't let the exhilarating feeling go.
What is right and wrong in that situation? I regret on both parts..letting go..and doing what I did. What a wicked web we weave...I started out as a carefree wide-eyed explorer..and ended up a broken, confused thing. I will recover- I am used to men's games. But I am losing hope in finding that feeling- that dream you can melt into..and fall into oblivion.
Was it all a game- or was it real? I don't know......People are cruel. And I am one of them.
Suddenly- I don't just go on SL to explore and have fun. I have to start liking this guy. And why? Because he dances with me, talks to me, gives me things..because he says he LIKES me. I did that with my first partner..and look where that got me!
I am angry because I did this once..and I promised I wouldn't do it again....but I did! I got so completely obsessed with him and the game. I started acting like a jealous little girl. Saying stupid crap I would never say. I felt embarrassed most of the time..the things he wanted me to do..and I felt obligated to to them because of all the "gifts" he gave me.
It was a complete tug-o-war. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world...and I felt like the most gullible idiot on the planet. One part says it was real- one part says it was all a mind game.
I mean the cons to this guy- if I were doing this in RL- were enough to make me say..uhhh..no.
But it was SL..I didn't give a crap about RL details..I was having fun. But then, he had to get to me. And I started getting all weird. And then I had to tell him the truth to my RL..and then it started to not be a game anymore. I didn't want him to know my RL details. Who I am..my RL..is what I was trying to escape. I wanted him to know my SL me...w/o all the RL bullshit that gets in the way.
It sucks. It just sucks- why couldn't he just have given me what I wanted? For me to be his and vice versa..we would rule Mythical together and have a blast doing whatever we wanted to do in SL.
NOOO..he had reel me in with his suave ways...and always hang over my head that he has some stupid Russian girlfriend who liked to keep putting ugly demon animals all over my beautiful Mythical.
Funny thing is..I think her and I were a lot alike. In totally different ways....she was the dark and I was the light. She liked the sharp swift dark side to things..I liked the soft, innocent gracefullness to things. I may be completely wrong, I didn't know her..but from what I saw of her style..I think I am not far from the truth. But just like my other guy I hung out with..she could talk computer with him. I couldn't. So I was on the back burner.
This is probably why he liked me at first...I think the innocent side of me intrigued him. But men's attentions can only be held for so long. You know when a guy likes you when he seeks you out. By the end, I would sign on..and he wouldn't even say hello unless I said it first. If he was really interested- he wouldn't do that. A man would be waiting for me.
That's what I want..and I don't think I'll find it on SL. Men are there to play. I guess I was there to play too...I didn't expect to actually want to keep the attentions of guys on there. But it happened- and I broke away before it would go any further.
I put myself in her shoes. I didn't like what I was doing to her..or helping him do. I shouldn't have been tempting him. But then again, he shouldn't have been hanging around with me either. It was such a sticky mess..we both liked eachother- or at least I liked him. How do you stay away from that? I broke it off with that other guy. I didn't want to hurt him..and I wanted to persue what I had found. For curiousity's sake- and because I couldn't let the exhilarating feeling go.
What is right and wrong in that situation? I regret on both parts..letting go..and doing what I did. What a wicked web we weave...I started out as a carefree wide-eyed explorer..and ended up a broken, confused thing. I will recover- I am used to men's games. But I am losing hope in finding that feeling- that dream you can melt into..and fall into oblivion.
Was it all a game- or was it real? I don't know......People are cruel. And I am one of them.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Lies and Truth
So of course I lie on SL....do you really think I am going to tell a stranger EVERY single detail about my life...someone I don' t even know? Sure- I'll tell some potential crazy stalker killer my life details so I can end up missing, raped and left for dead.
Well recently...the character I have created..my beautiful inner soul reflection, Emaleath- has met and befriended an interesting individual. When we first met...I was just playing into the story line..but now, he's become a really great companion in not only Emaleath's but my life.
So...there is the issue of feeling bad that I have lied about my life details up till now. Don't get me wrong, the main part is not a lie...I really am me on there..I just make sure the person I am talking to cannot find me...if they so chose to start searching.
And I understand that not everything that is told to me is truth. It's part of the cyber world game. And I take things with a grain of salt. It's a survival thing ;)
This person; however, has gotten under my skin. Somehow I think he's telling me all truth..and not a whole bunch of lies. Either he's a very good con..or genuinely real. It's hard for me to imagine someone who's so powerful on SL could be so truthful..but you never know. I need to reach further into his "mind" to make that judgement call.
I did reveal the main basics of my life though...stuff I probably shouldn't lie about in the first place..but my original intention of SL was to escape the crap of the RL. The stuff that I wish I could change..have different. SL is the dream- the perfection of life that cannot be found in RL.
I don't know...I guess I am just a guilty person who feels bad. I don't like lying. I really don't..deception is never a good thing. I just don't understand where the line of trust reaches the line of personal safety. And if I let someone in too much...I might lose myself. Make stupid decisions..what to do, what to do.
Well recently...the character I have created..my beautiful inner soul reflection, Emaleath- has met and befriended an interesting individual. When we first met...I was just playing into the story line..but now, he's become a really great companion in not only Emaleath's but my life.
So...there is the issue of feeling bad that I have lied about my life details up till now. Don't get me wrong, the main part is not a lie...I really am me on there..I just make sure the person I am talking to cannot find me...if they so chose to start searching.
And I understand that not everything that is told to me is truth. It's part of the cyber world game. And I take things with a grain of salt. It's a survival thing ;)
This person; however, has gotten under my skin. Somehow I think he's telling me all truth..and not a whole bunch of lies. Either he's a very good con..or genuinely real. It's hard for me to imagine someone who's so powerful on SL could be so truthful..but you never know. I need to reach further into his "mind" to make that judgement call.
I did reveal the main basics of my life though...stuff I probably shouldn't lie about in the first place..but my original intention of SL was to escape the crap of the RL. The stuff that I wish I could change..have different. SL is the dream- the perfection of life that cannot be found in RL.
I don't know...I guess I am just a guilty person who feels bad. I don't like lying. I really don't..deception is never a good thing. I just don't understand where the line of trust reaches the line of personal safety. And if I let someone in too much...I might lose myself. Make stupid decisions..what to do, what to do.
Friday, April 24, 2009
She dreams of things she cannot see
In silent thoughts where hearts are free.
It's all the things that are not real
That make her live and truly feel.
What kind of life is this to live
Where sanity of mind is all to give?
Letting go is a battle she cannot win
And in this battle she creates her sin.
And though these feelings are like a knife
She cannot leave her Second Life.
In silent thoughts where hearts are free.
It's all the things that are not real
That make her live and truly feel.
What kind of life is this to live
Where sanity of mind is all to give?
Letting go is a battle she cannot win
And in this battle she creates her sin.
And though these feelings are like a knife
She cannot leave her Second Life.
What's missing?
I want to be an element...like the air or water. I love the way water feels around your body..but I think I would prefer to be air...the wind. People can feel you..but never see you- and you can see everyone. I would know the truth to things...to see the moments in lives that no one cares to see.
Have you ever seen a woman standing alone..with something on her mind..and the wind suddenly blows through her hair. The initial small surprise..and then the submission as her hair flutters around her face. She will let it flow for a moment..enjoying the feel...then remember that she must keep her stylish composure..and start to smooth her hair back into place?
I think women are so beautiful. I don't have any sexual desire for them...but we are beautiful creatures. All when we are not trying that hard. It's the thoughtful moments..the quiet contemplative moments in which a woman shows her true beauty. And when she is truly truly happy..letting all of her inhibitions go. Just being innocent.
I strive to acheive that beauty everyday in myself...but no one sees it. Maybe I dont' have it...And if I do, do people recognize it? And want to see it in every woman?
The wind knows...and trys to tell us. With that single flutter of the hair, it says..I notice you..I will make you even more beautiful.
I want to be the wind..such a subtle way to make someone feel wonderful. :) Guy or girl. Or maybe..I want someone like the wind.....
Have you ever seen a woman standing alone..with something on her mind..and the wind suddenly blows through her hair. The initial small surprise..and then the submission as her hair flutters around her face. She will let it flow for a moment..enjoying the feel...then remember that she must keep her stylish composure..and start to smooth her hair back into place?
I think women are so beautiful. I don't have any sexual desire for them...but we are beautiful creatures. All when we are not trying that hard. It's the thoughtful moments..the quiet contemplative moments in which a woman shows her true beauty. And when she is truly truly happy..letting all of her inhibitions go. Just being innocent.
I strive to acheive that beauty everyday in myself...but no one sees it. Maybe I dont' have it...And if I do, do people recognize it? And want to see it in every woman?
The wind knows...and trys to tell us. With that single flutter of the hair, it says..I notice you..I will make you even more beautiful.
I want to be the wind..such a subtle way to make someone feel wonderful. :) Guy or girl. Or maybe..I want someone like the wind.....
Monday, April 20, 2009
It's just a game...why do i feel like this?
So I wanted to live on the edge...I wanted to see what it was like to be bad. To just not care anymore and do what I felt like doing at the moment I wanted. I felt powerful- and had a surge of excitement at first..now, I just feel like shit.
It makes me think....what if I had lived my RL like this? I don't think I could've survived...if a game is effecting me this much. Wow...I am glad for SL...because- if anything, this is a learning experience. An outlet for all the things I wished I could do and never experienced..it's a "safe" way, to live your fantasies.
I just didn't think it would emotionally impact me as much as it has.
:(
It makes me think....what if I had lived my RL like this? I don't think I could've survived...if a game is effecting me this much. Wow...I am glad for SL...because- if anything, this is a learning experience. An outlet for all the things I wished I could do and never experienced..it's a "safe" way, to live your fantasies.
I just didn't think it would emotionally impact me as much as it has.
:(
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