It's been over a year since I posted last. So many things have changed..so many lessons learned. I will speak the truth to you now..those from SL who read this. RL and SL always mix- there is no keeping them seperate unless you are TRULY committed to not interacting seriously with the individuals online.
Most of us are in SL, because we are unhappy with our RL. There is always something missing that we choose to search for there.
I had a RL marriage. In that marriage- there was lack of emotional and physical satisfaction, on both our parts. We rationalized that SL was a way to explore fantasies we could not fulfill for one another..and made it "ok" to have other relationships with other people within the strict rules we placed. It worked for awhile..it even helped our relationship a bit. But over time, you begin to find that you get your emotional fixes from other people on there. The result is focusing less on your RL relationship..to persue your SL ones. And why wouldn't it be this way? Humans gravitate to what makes them feel good.
I know my marriage would not have been saved if I had started SL or not. The issues we have go beyond the infidelities SL enabled us to commit. But it did not help matters- in fact, it probably deteriorated the relationship faster. Luckily; in my case, that was probably a blessing.
I do not regret starting SL. I met so many wonderful people on there..and have learned so many things about myself. I have been able to explore fantasies I would never have been able to experience in RL. I do; however, regret that in the end...I did do very wrong things. Things a married woman should not do..and even though we had an agreement in my marriage- we both offended, the truth is- it was still wrong.
There is a man that I am now interested in persuing a relationship with. We are both actively in SL..our interactions there keep us together. My fear, is that once I am single and we decide to take our relationship to RL..will the same internet stuff happen again? I would hope that we both have an understanding of what SL can do to a relationship...and I think that if our connection is healthy and strong, perhaps the desire to seek other attentions will not even be an issue.
I've found what I'm looking for in him..but that lingering doubt nags at me. I don't want another relationship to deteriorate because of an online game. Because in all reality, it's not a game. There are real people on the other end of that avatar..real emotions get involved..obviously..because I have fallen in love with one such individual.
It's a different world out there. More and more people are connecting online. It makes me fear for the future..eventually we might not even feel the need to have face-to-face interaction.
I guess I'm just writing to warn people..the internet can be a dangerous and addicting thing. It can ruin relationships and cause you to lose sight of what's real. In the same token, it can introduce you to the most amazing people. It can open doors for you and..in my case...help you find exactly what you are looking for to make you happy.
You just have to learn to keep sight of what's real. Not to get lost in a fantasy..because not everyone is who they say they are on there. I've gone through a lot of fakes to get to the genuine article.
I just hope..things work out like I want them to.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Diary Entry #1- Newborn Kajira
About two weeks ago..I decided to step out of my box and take a risk. I have been playing around with the idea of becoming a slave for awhile in Second Life. The proposition of being owned by someone has its enticements. But also it’s challenges. In real life, dominance is my role. I am the one who makes the decisions in my relationship…the only ones I have ever been submissive to are my parents. That relationship is far from the one that was presented to me in this new world.
Why then am I seeking submission? I am curious about the feelings a slave feels…they roles they take on. The duties to their Masters that make the role so appealing; for it is one of the most popular RP games in SL. So I started collecting Kajira clothing. The true attire of Gorean slave girls. Gor is a fictional world made up by some author I do not remember. They base their culture on men being dominates and females either being submissive or free women. Of course there are exceptions to all these rules. But the base concept is this. I am very interested in reading these books..although I know most of it may be quite offensive to me- come to think of it, this whole process is quite offensive to me…but I am curious to know about it nonetheless.
I was not outwardly seeking a Master..but I was putting my toe in the water so-to-speak by visiting safe places that encouraged Gor and Medieval RP. This allowed me to understand and observe a few slave and master interactions. This helped me to conclude that I would prefer a more medieval approach- as opposed to the true Gorean way of life. Gor is very strict…and with my limited and naïve knowledge of the subject, medieval seemed a better option. I did not know how to enter into this- but it seems God is directing my path to enlightenment, because a Master that fit all my criteria stumbled upon me in a sandbox. I was trying on slave clothing I had just acquired..it came with slave papers attached to my leg..he clicked on them to see what they said. It startled me so I teleported out..but after I did so, something told me…this is your chance. So I instant messaged the new Master…was directed to my first collar..and submitted to him.
It is a strange sound..the clicking of the lock on your collar. They even describe the sound in the Gorean books as the most powerful and memorable sound a slave girl will know. I agree with this. With that sound, you are claimed. You loose your rights, your will…your very self in some cases. You become property- HIS property..and from that moment on, you must do everything he wishes.
Much has happened as far as my tutelage has gone. I have been with my Master for two weeks. So far I have been wooed, taught lessons, experienced the sexual part of my slavery and tried to leave him. He is quite a cunning individual. Whenever I think that I have my duties down, he teaches me yet another lesson. Punishment is really futile in SL..one can always leave the world by logging off if punishment is too severe..so the biggest threat would be for the Master to leave his slave. But this does not happen often with a slave that is valuable to him. Which according to him, I am.
Challenges I have come across so far..numerous. One big issue is my ability to let everything go. To accept that I am his..and also trying to keep my guard up while following the biggest rule my Master puts upon me. Complete honesty with all my feelings. If I let myself feel too much, I will fall for him. I do not want this- he has many women under him..and he’s very persuasive in the fact that he makes you feel special. But I know it’s a game or a ruse to him- despite his constant reassurances that he is honest. He’s even gone to say that he loves me. But I will not utter these words to him. I know this is what he desires….but I cannot say it. I naturally have a hard time expressing my emotions. This is problematic with the sexual area of my position. I find myself “playing” along with him..and after typing an emote, burying my head in my blanket in agony. My fear of failure at this is inhibiting me. I do not want to say something that will cause him to think I am stupid or undesirable. His answer to this dilemma…maybe I will like it, maybe I will not. That is for me to decide and for you to not worry about.
Worry to me is like breathing. I must worry about things..or they fall into the cracks. Problems will arise and things will fester. He tells me I worry to much..issues that arise are his responsibility. He chooses the path at all times. If we fail, it is his failure not mine because he is the dominate being. Statements such as these endear me to him. Which I suppose is the point. Such a foreign concept to me…but one I find relieving- like lifting a weight off my shoulders.
Last night, he took me to a slave auction. My Master has been introducing me to numerous forms of slave play. Mostly because I do not know my limits as I have not experienced any of them. It was an experience I will not forget. A woman, naked was chained to a cross on a stage. Not a biblical cross, but one that looked like an X. All eyes were on her and people were bidding on her. Emotes were flying. She ended up selling for 9000 lindens. Which equivalents to a little over $30 in USD. This much money for a week’s worth of servitude and the possibility of ownership. He took me around the square..showing me the silent auctions. There was a woman there bound who went for 60,000 lindens the week before. Each slave had a notecard that explained their limits, fantasies and qualifications. As we searched..I was curious but became increasingly more disgusted. It was prostitution. Plain and simple..with the disguise of slavery role play.
My Master asked me how it made me feel..to which I replied honestly. He was confused by this- saying it would arouse most women in my situation. So should I change my way of thinking? I decided no…I have come into this, not seeking to be bought. Just to be dominated, taught, opened up…I would not like to be put up on a block and auctioned off for men or women to do as they please to me. I asked him if this was his wish for me…and to my relief he said..no, not with you. I am not quite sure if this was to help reinforce my ability to trust him..or to prove that I am special to him…or to simply see what my interests were. All I know is that it was an experience that taught me much..in a very short period of time. Instantly..I knew what I wanted sexually and from this role as slave. And I knew that my Master would not allow me to be treated inappropriately.
Why then am I seeking submission? I am curious about the feelings a slave feels…they roles they take on. The duties to their Masters that make the role so appealing; for it is one of the most popular RP games in SL. So I started collecting Kajira clothing. The true attire of Gorean slave girls. Gor is a fictional world made up by some author I do not remember. They base their culture on men being dominates and females either being submissive or free women. Of course there are exceptions to all these rules. But the base concept is this. I am very interested in reading these books..although I know most of it may be quite offensive to me- come to think of it, this whole process is quite offensive to me…but I am curious to know about it nonetheless.
I was not outwardly seeking a Master..but I was putting my toe in the water so-to-speak by visiting safe places that encouraged Gor and Medieval RP. This allowed me to understand and observe a few slave and master interactions. This helped me to conclude that I would prefer a more medieval approach- as opposed to the true Gorean way of life. Gor is very strict…and with my limited and naïve knowledge of the subject, medieval seemed a better option. I did not know how to enter into this- but it seems God is directing my path to enlightenment, because a Master that fit all my criteria stumbled upon me in a sandbox. I was trying on slave clothing I had just acquired..it came with slave papers attached to my leg..he clicked on them to see what they said. It startled me so I teleported out..but after I did so, something told me…this is your chance. So I instant messaged the new Master…was directed to my first collar..and submitted to him.
It is a strange sound..the clicking of the lock on your collar. They even describe the sound in the Gorean books as the most powerful and memorable sound a slave girl will know. I agree with this. With that sound, you are claimed. You loose your rights, your will…your very self in some cases. You become property- HIS property..and from that moment on, you must do everything he wishes.
Much has happened as far as my tutelage has gone. I have been with my Master for two weeks. So far I have been wooed, taught lessons, experienced the sexual part of my slavery and tried to leave him. He is quite a cunning individual. Whenever I think that I have my duties down, he teaches me yet another lesson. Punishment is really futile in SL..one can always leave the world by logging off if punishment is too severe..so the biggest threat would be for the Master to leave his slave. But this does not happen often with a slave that is valuable to him. Which according to him, I am.
Challenges I have come across so far..numerous. One big issue is my ability to let everything go. To accept that I am his..and also trying to keep my guard up while following the biggest rule my Master puts upon me. Complete honesty with all my feelings. If I let myself feel too much, I will fall for him. I do not want this- he has many women under him..and he’s very persuasive in the fact that he makes you feel special. But I know it’s a game or a ruse to him- despite his constant reassurances that he is honest. He’s even gone to say that he loves me. But I will not utter these words to him. I know this is what he desires….but I cannot say it. I naturally have a hard time expressing my emotions. This is problematic with the sexual area of my position. I find myself “playing” along with him..and after typing an emote, burying my head in my blanket in agony. My fear of failure at this is inhibiting me. I do not want to say something that will cause him to think I am stupid or undesirable. His answer to this dilemma…maybe I will like it, maybe I will not. That is for me to decide and for you to not worry about.
Worry to me is like breathing. I must worry about things..or they fall into the cracks. Problems will arise and things will fester. He tells me I worry to much..issues that arise are his responsibility. He chooses the path at all times. If we fail, it is his failure not mine because he is the dominate being. Statements such as these endear me to him. Which I suppose is the point. Such a foreign concept to me…but one I find relieving- like lifting a weight off my shoulders.
Last night, he took me to a slave auction. My Master has been introducing me to numerous forms of slave play. Mostly because I do not know my limits as I have not experienced any of them. It was an experience I will not forget. A woman, naked was chained to a cross on a stage. Not a biblical cross, but one that looked like an X. All eyes were on her and people were bidding on her. Emotes were flying. She ended up selling for 9000 lindens. Which equivalents to a little over $30 in USD. This much money for a week’s worth of servitude and the possibility of ownership. He took me around the square..showing me the silent auctions. There was a woman there bound who went for 60,000 lindens the week before. Each slave had a notecard that explained their limits, fantasies and qualifications. As we searched..I was curious but became increasingly more disgusted. It was prostitution. Plain and simple..with the disguise of slavery role play.
My Master asked me how it made me feel..to which I replied honestly. He was confused by this- saying it would arouse most women in my situation. So should I change my way of thinking? I decided no…I have come into this, not seeking to be bought. Just to be dominated, taught, opened up…I would not like to be put up on a block and auctioned off for men or women to do as they please to me. I asked him if this was his wish for me…and to my relief he said..no, not with you. I am not quite sure if this was to help reinforce my ability to trust him..or to prove that I am special to him…or to simply see what my interests were. All I know is that it was an experience that taught me much..in a very short period of time. Instantly..I knew what I wanted sexually and from this role as slave. And I knew that my Master would not allow me to be treated inappropriately.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
o.O
Well...it seems I have a SL companion now. *silence*
I don't know how or why it happened...I know nothing really about this guy. I'm proabably some stupid little game to him..he hangs out with his RL wife on there. I don't know how to feel about all that, but I like my little group of friends I'm hanging out with...they are all partnered up. So why shouldn't we be? He's a nice guy from what I know so far. And he's ok w/ the no relations thing for now.
What's there to lose?
I did have to send a notecard to the other guy I was dating though. I felt very bad...he was such a nice guy. But like most guys I start to get really flirty with, it looked like it was heading to a place I couldn't take it to. He was getting too atattched..I don't know if I have it in me anymore. After Ancient- I've sort of shut that connection part of me down..for my own safety's sake.
I am going to a SL wedding on Friday..that should be fun ^^ Poor Lou is having a shotgun wedding because her SL mate is leaving for RL for two months! That's like two years in SL time. I don't know if I could do it haha..I'd get too lonely/bored.
I'm not sure what's going on right now w/ all of this...Eva is w/ Seth- they seem to be happy. He even has land w/ a castle for the two of them! Kind of jealous about that haha..but it's all good. I just want that weird drama feeling to go away..I want to defriend that other guy so I don't feel his "presence" anymore. Maybe I will in a few days.
My RL husband finally got a good computer..so he will be on more often. I keep telling him..make a SL!! Do what u want- within the rules of "us". Oh these are the rules:
1. always remember what is SL and what is RL
2. RL always comes first
3. what happens in SL stays there
4. no sex..unless it's just for entertainment purposes (no connection)
5. no pictures/no outside contact
6. never give your heart completely away completely..it's already taken in RL
Other than that...it's all a go. Mainly- just be aware that SL is a game ultimately..a place to get your kicks in a safe way. And if your RL partner has any problems w/ what you are doing...respect it.
*argh* I feel like I do when I get in a new relationship..all akward lol...I can't wait till I know him better and it goes away ahha.
I don't know how or why it happened...I know nothing really about this guy. I'm proabably some stupid little game to him..he hangs out with his RL wife on there. I don't know how to feel about all that, but I like my little group of friends I'm hanging out with...they are all partnered up. So why shouldn't we be? He's a nice guy from what I know so far. And he's ok w/ the no relations thing for now.
What's there to lose?
I did have to send a notecard to the other guy I was dating though. I felt very bad...he was such a nice guy. But like most guys I start to get really flirty with, it looked like it was heading to a place I couldn't take it to. He was getting too atattched..I don't know if I have it in me anymore. After Ancient- I've sort of shut that connection part of me down..for my own safety's sake.
I am going to a SL wedding on Friday..that should be fun ^^ Poor Lou is having a shotgun wedding because her SL mate is leaving for RL for two months! That's like two years in SL time. I don't know if I could do it haha..I'd get too lonely/bored.
I'm not sure what's going on right now w/ all of this...Eva is w/ Seth- they seem to be happy. He even has land w/ a castle for the two of them! Kind of jealous about that haha..but it's all good. I just want that weird drama feeling to go away..I want to defriend that other guy so I don't feel his "presence" anymore. Maybe I will in a few days.
My RL husband finally got a good computer..so he will be on more often. I keep telling him..make a SL!! Do what u want- within the rules of "us". Oh these are the rules:
1. always remember what is SL and what is RL
2. RL always comes first
3. what happens in SL stays there
4. no sex..unless it's just for entertainment purposes (no connection)
5. no pictures/no outside contact
6. never give your heart completely away completely..it's already taken in RL
Other than that...it's all a go. Mainly- just be aware that SL is a game ultimately..a place to get your kicks in a safe way. And if your RL partner has any problems w/ what you are doing...respect it.
*argh* I feel like I do when I get in a new relationship..all akward lol...I can't wait till I know him better and it goes away ahha.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
New Beginnings
Well...following the idea bug Ancient put into my head. I created an alternate character- and in doing so, created an entirely different personality. It's one that I've had locked DEEP down inside of me..for a very long time.
Fun, witty, humorous..cutsey, flirty and a bit outgoing- moreso than I am ever used to.
She's my party girl- I have never had so many friends before. I find it VERY difficult to keep up with the ims. I now understand what Ancient was saying..about being busy. It's a wonder how he even hung out with me at all. I feel bad now- for thinking the things I did. If we were to have met now..knowing what I know..things could've been different I think. I wish I could tell him now..that I understand and that I'm sorry.
Anyway- I've made friends with a man/woman...can't quite figure he/she out. But this individual is very interesting to say the least. Keeps my attentions anyway..Shells is like a crazyassed labyrinth. Confusing as hell but strangely addiciting lol. I met perverts who led me to other ppl..who led me to other ppl.. now- have TWO girl "friends" who are so awesome in every way.
But in my quest for friend fishing..I screwed up royally. I friended a guy- flirted endlessly with him. And now he likes me A LOT. I find that I am going in a different direction. I LOVE MY NEW FRIENDS! I have so much fun with them. I don't want to spend all my time talking mooshy talk to a guy- I want to have fun! Plus, there is this new guy..that I think can give me what I am searching for. Fun, excitement..and a strict rule of no RL. It is heaven haha.
The first guy is the nicest person in the world...I feel very bad for making him feel more for me than I do. It's like looking at myself in the mirror. He is me..when I was with Ancient. But this guy's is starting to get a tad bit creepy...he's getting all crazy trying to find me. I know I will have to tell him very soon. I just didn't know what I wanted until now.
My new interest- is someone I hope I can learn more about. I think he likes me too...He just broke it off with his partner to persue seeing me! He sticks up for me..takes me new places and LIKES to do them..and hasn't asked to mess around ONCE. Just flirting..which is totally up my alley :)
It's just a really great time in my SL..this new person I have become is so liberating.
Ema is my innocent, beautiful, sullen angel...this one is my happy-go-lucky party girl. Personality wise..I am both..but she has been hidden for so long...and she is a WHOLE lotta fun to be. People like her^^ it's everything I've been looking for.
Fun, witty, humorous..cutsey, flirty and a bit outgoing- moreso than I am ever used to.
She's my party girl- I have never had so many friends before. I find it VERY difficult to keep up with the ims. I now understand what Ancient was saying..about being busy. It's a wonder how he even hung out with me at all. I feel bad now- for thinking the things I did. If we were to have met now..knowing what I know..things could've been different I think. I wish I could tell him now..that I understand and that I'm sorry.
Anyway- I've made friends with a man/woman...can't quite figure he/she out. But this individual is very interesting to say the least. Keeps my attentions anyway..Shells is like a crazyassed labyrinth. Confusing as hell but strangely addiciting lol. I met perverts who led me to other ppl..who led me to other ppl.. now- have TWO girl "friends" who are so awesome in every way.
But in my quest for friend fishing..I screwed up royally. I friended a guy- flirted endlessly with him. And now he likes me A LOT. I find that I am going in a different direction. I LOVE MY NEW FRIENDS! I have so much fun with them. I don't want to spend all my time talking mooshy talk to a guy- I want to have fun! Plus, there is this new guy..that I think can give me what I am searching for. Fun, excitement..and a strict rule of no RL. It is heaven haha.
The first guy is the nicest person in the world...I feel very bad for making him feel more for me than I do. It's like looking at myself in the mirror. He is me..when I was with Ancient. But this guy's is starting to get a tad bit creepy...he's getting all crazy trying to find me. I know I will have to tell him very soon. I just didn't know what I wanted until now.
My new interest- is someone I hope I can learn more about. I think he likes me too...He just broke it off with his partner to persue seeing me! He sticks up for me..takes me new places and LIKES to do them..and hasn't asked to mess around ONCE. Just flirting..which is totally up my alley :)
It's just a really great time in my SL..this new person I have become is so liberating.
Ema is my innocent, beautiful, sullen angel...this one is my happy-go-lucky party girl. Personality wise..I am both..but she has been hidden for so long...and she is a WHOLE lotta fun to be. People like her^^ it's everything I've been looking for.
Monday, May 18, 2009
The angry side of it all
You know what...I'm going to tell you the angry side of my SL experience. I am mad because I was just an innocent explorer..having fun goofing off around my little safe haven. Then one day- some guy comes up to me and blows it all apart.
Suddenly- I don't just go on SL to explore and have fun. I have to start liking this guy. And why? Because he dances with me, talks to me, gives me things..because he says he LIKES me. I did that with my first partner..and look where that got me!
I am angry because I did this once..and I promised I wouldn't do it again....but I did! I got so completely obsessed with him and the game. I started acting like a jealous little girl. Saying stupid crap I would never say. I felt embarrassed most of the time..the things he wanted me to do..and I felt obligated to to them because of all the "gifts" he gave me.
It was a complete tug-o-war. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world...and I felt like the most gullible idiot on the planet. One part says it was real- one part says it was all a mind game.
I mean the cons to this guy- if I were doing this in RL- were enough to make me say..uhhh..no.
But it was SL..I didn't give a crap about RL details..I was having fun. But then, he had to get to me. And I started getting all weird. And then I had to tell him the truth to my RL..and then it started to not be a game anymore. I didn't want him to know my RL details. Who I am..my RL..is what I was trying to escape. I wanted him to know my SL me...w/o all the RL bullshit that gets in the way.
It sucks. It just sucks- why couldn't he just have given me what I wanted? For me to be his and vice versa..we would rule Mythical together and have a blast doing whatever we wanted to do in SL.
NOOO..he had reel me in with his suave ways...and always hang over my head that he has some stupid Russian girlfriend who liked to keep putting ugly demon animals all over my beautiful Mythical.
Funny thing is..I think her and I were a lot alike. In totally different ways....she was the dark and I was the light. She liked the sharp swift dark side to things..I liked the soft, innocent gracefullness to things. I may be completely wrong, I didn't know her..but from what I saw of her style..I think I am not far from the truth. But just like my other guy I hung out with..she could talk computer with him. I couldn't. So I was on the back burner.
This is probably why he liked me at first...I think the innocent side of me intrigued him. But men's attentions can only be held for so long. You know when a guy likes you when he seeks you out. By the end, I would sign on..and he wouldn't even say hello unless I said it first. If he was really interested- he wouldn't do that. A man would be waiting for me.
That's what I want..and I don't think I'll find it on SL. Men are there to play. I guess I was there to play too...I didn't expect to actually want to keep the attentions of guys on there. But it happened- and I broke away before it would go any further.
I put myself in her shoes. I didn't like what I was doing to her..or helping him do. I shouldn't have been tempting him. But then again, he shouldn't have been hanging around with me either. It was such a sticky mess..we both liked eachother- or at least I liked him. How do you stay away from that? I broke it off with that other guy. I didn't want to hurt him..and I wanted to persue what I had found. For curiousity's sake- and because I couldn't let the exhilarating feeling go.
What is right and wrong in that situation? I regret on both parts..letting go..and doing what I did. What a wicked web we weave...I started out as a carefree wide-eyed explorer..and ended up a broken, confused thing. I will recover- I am used to men's games. But I am losing hope in finding that feeling- that dream you can melt into..and fall into oblivion.
Was it all a game- or was it real? I don't know......People are cruel. And I am one of them.
Suddenly- I don't just go on SL to explore and have fun. I have to start liking this guy. And why? Because he dances with me, talks to me, gives me things..because he says he LIKES me. I did that with my first partner..and look where that got me!
I am angry because I did this once..and I promised I wouldn't do it again....but I did! I got so completely obsessed with him and the game. I started acting like a jealous little girl. Saying stupid crap I would never say. I felt embarrassed most of the time..the things he wanted me to do..and I felt obligated to to them because of all the "gifts" he gave me.
It was a complete tug-o-war. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world...and I felt like the most gullible idiot on the planet. One part says it was real- one part says it was all a mind game.
I mean the cons to this guy- if I were doing this in RL- were enough to make me say..uhhh..no.
But it was SL..I didn't give a crap about RL details..I was having fun. But then, he had to get to me. And I started getting all weird. And then I had to tell him the truth to my RL..and then it started to not be a game anymore. I didn't want him to know my RL details. Who I am..my RL..is what I was trying to escape. I wanted him to know my SL me...w/o all the RL bullshit that gets in the way.
It sucks. It just sucks- why couldn't he just have given me what I wanted? For me to be his and vice versa..we would rule Mythical together and have a blast doing whatever we wanted to do in SL.
NOOO..he had reel me in with his suave ways...and always hang over my head that he has some stupid Russian girlfriend who liked to keep putting ugly demon animals all over my beautiful Mythical.
Funny thing is..I think her and I were a lot alike. In totally different ways....she was the dark and I was the light. She liked the sharp swift dark side to things..I liked the soft, innocent gracefullness to things. I may be completely wrong, I didn't know her..but from what I saw of her style..I think I am not far from the truth. But just like my other guy I hung out with..she could talk computer with him. I couldn't. So I was on the back burner.
This is probably why he liked me at first...I think the innocent side of me intrigued him. But men's attentions can only be held for so long. You know when a guy likes you when he seeks you out. By the end, I would sign on..and he wouldn't even say hello unless I said it first. If he was really interested- he wouldn't do that. A man would be waiting for me.
That's what I want..and I don't think I'll find it on SL. Men are there to play. I guess I was there to play too...I didn't expect to actually want to keep the attentions of guys on there. But it happened- and I broke away before it would go any further.
I put myself in her shoes. I didn't like what I was doing to her..or helping him do. I shouldn't have been tempting him. But then again, he shouldn't have been hanging around with me either. It was such a sticky mess..we both liked eachother- or at least I liked him. How do you stay away from that? I broke it off with that other guy. I didn't want to hurt him..and I wanted to persue what I had found. For curiousity's sake- and because I couldn't let the exhilarating feeling go.
What is right and wrong in that situation? I regret on both parts..letting go..and doing what I did. What a wicked web we weave...I started out as a carefree wide-eyed explorer..and ended up a broken, confused thing. I will recover- I am used to men's games. But I am losing hope in finding that feeling- that dream you can melt into..and fall into oblivion.
Was it all a game- or was it real? I don't know......People are cruel. And I am one of them.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Lies and Truth
So of course I lie on SL....do you really think I am going to tell a stranger EVERY single detail about my life...someone I don' t even know? Sure- I'll tell some potential crazy stalker killer my life details so I can end up missing, raped and left for dead.
Well recently...the character I have created..my beautiful inner soul reflection, Emaleath- has met and befriended an interesting individual. When we first met...I was just playing into the story line..but now, he's become a really great companion in not only Emaleath's but my life.
So...there is the issue of feeling bad that I have lied about my life details up till now. Don't get me wrong, the main part is not a lie...I really am me on there..I just make sure the person I am talking to cannot find me...if they so chose to start searching.
And I understand that not everything that is told to me is truth. It's part of the cyber world game. And I take things with a grain of salt. It's a survival thing ;)
This person; however, has gotten under my skin. Somehow I think he's telling me all truth..and not a whole bunch of lies. Either he's a very good con..or genuinely real. It's hard for me to imagine someone who's so powerful on SL could be so truthful..but you never know. I need to reach further into his "mind" to make that judgement call.
I did reveal the main basics of my life though...stuff I probably shouldn't lie about in the first place..but my original intention of SL was to escape the crap of the RL. The stuff that I wish I could change..have different. SL is the dream- the perfection of life that cannot be found in RL.
I don't know...I guess I am just a guilty person who feels bad. I don't like lying. I really don't..deception is never a good thing. I just don't understand where the line of trust reaches the line of personal safety. And if I let someone in too much...I might lose myself. Make stupid decisions..what to do, what to do.
Well recently...the character I have created..my beautiful inner soul reflection, Emaleath- has met and befriended an interesting individual. When we first met...I was just playing into the story line..but now, he's become a really great companion in not only Emaleath's but my life.
So...there is the issue of feeling bad that I have lied about my life details up till now. Don't get me wrong, the main part is not a lie...I really am me on there..I just make sure the person I am talking to cannot find me...if they so chose to start searching.
And I understand that not everything that is told to me is truth. It's part of the cyber world game. And I take things with a grain of salt. It's a survival thing ;)
This person; however, has gotten under my skin. Somehow I think he's telling me all truth..and not a whole bunch of lies. Either he's a very good con..or genuinely real. It's hard for me to imagine someone who's so powerful on SL could be so truthful..but you never know. I need to reach further into his "mind" to make that judgement call.
I did reveal the main basics of my life though...stuff I probably shouldn't lie about in the first place..but my original intention of SL was to escape the crap of the RL. The stuff that I wish I could change..have different. SL is the dream- the perfection of life that cannot be found in RL.
I don't know...I guess I am just a guilty person who feels bad. I don't like lying. I really don't..deception is never a good thing. I just don't understand where the line of trust reaches the line of personal safety. And if I let someone in too much...I might lose myself. Make stupid decisions..what to do, what to do.
Friday, April 24, 2009
She dreams of things she cannot see
In silent thoughts where hearts are free.
It's all the things that are not real
That make her live and truly feel.
What kind of life is this to live
Where sanity of mind is all to give?
Letting go is a battle she cannot win
And in this battle she creates her sin.
And though these feelings are like a knife
She cannot leave her Second Life.
In silent thoughts where hearts are free.
It's all the things that are not real
That make her live and truly feel.
What kind of life is this to live
Where sanity of mind is all to give?
Letting go is a battle she cannot win
And in this battle she creates her sin.
And though these feelings are like a knife
She cannot leave her Second Life.
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